All of the performances are beyond terrible. Billy Magnussen’s bad guy is about as menacing as Sally Field. A child wouldn’t be scared of this wimp. Magnussen is quite awful, but Connor McGregor’s embarrassing display takes the cake. To be fair, McGregor is no actor and this is his first film, but his director should have reigned him in. He walks around with a dumb grin on his face throwing punches and bad line readings around like he didn’t care. To witness the MMA champ’s “performance” is to see the unmaking of a future film career unravel in real time.

What of the titular road house? The audience has nothing to care about, as the horrific screenplay is crafted without a thought to giving the audience anyone or anything to care about. Unlike Rowdy Harrigton’s original, Doug Liman and his screenwriters could care less about getting to know Frankie or her staff beyond the requisite introductions. Why is the road house so important? Why is it so special to Frankie beyond it being her Uncle’s place? The screenwriters don’t care and neither do we.

The film even robs its viewers of any references to bouncers, or training bouncers, or the philosophies of being a good bouncer. Dalton shows up on his first night, stops some baddies, another male employee eventually throws a few guys out, Dalton nods approvingly, and they hire another bouncer. That’s it. What fun!

How about the fact that the big finale fight to the death is done on the water, miles away from the road house? Ain’t that something?

In the most unoriginal idea of them all, the road house’s name is no longer the “Double Deuce”. The new name? “Road House”. Wow, this script is on fire!

Henry Braham’s camera paints drab visuals, Christopher Beck’s score sounds like it is from a cheap video game, the fight choreography is z-grade level, and the moments of truly bad CGI are something to (not) behold.

Doug Liman’s Road House is executed like an inept cartoon. The movies Steven Seagal makes today are light years ahead of this trash.

If there is something good to say about a film, I will acknowledge it. If a director doesn’t even try to create something original and insults their audience, I will not hold back.

I can be nice. Until it’s time to not be nice.

Road House is absolute garbage and a roundhouse kick in the face to the legacy of the Patrick Swayze classic.

Road House

Written by Anthony Bagarozzi & Chuck Mondry

Directed by Doug Liman

Starring Jake Gyllenhall, Jessica Williams, Billy Magnussen, Connor McGregor

R, 123 Minutes, MGM, Silver Pictures, Amazon Studios