Amazon Prime has delivered some stinkers over the years but Saltburn might just trump the rest.

A film that pretends it’s smarter than its viewers every step of the way as some Downtown Abbey dress down to sickening levels for the sake of ‘talking points’ leaves a sourer taste in your mouth than the contents of that bathtub scene.
Easily one of the worst films I’ve seen in a long time Saltburn is an absolute car crash of a movie that you just can’t look away from as you just don’t know what’s going on, you can’t understand character motives and some scenes just feel like cobbled brainstorms of a group of scriptwriters who probably need to visit to a mental health practitioner. 
There’s no message that Saltburn is conveying outside of seeing aristocrats fall from grace at the hands of Barry Keoghan’s character Oliver who aside from having multiple personalities also has multiple accents bouncing between Irish and Scouse in this 2 hour dumpster fire.
Our film opens with Oliver professing his love for Felix (played by Jacob Elordi) and for the entire first act of the movie they’re just talking, nothing else of note, it’s boring and simply waiting for stuff to happen from a few Tik Tok reactions is the only reason I haven’t turned it off just yet.
Saltburn plays out more like Slowburn as the pacing is dreadful with absolutely no payoff for the audience to keep watching.
 
Gross scenes for the sake of cheap conversational ‘shock’ moments between friends but sadly it’s all a bit boring and the weirdness of Oliver alienates you from the story where there are no good guys, there’s no one to root for and absolutely no point in watching.
Saltburn pretends to be smart every step of the way yet the end ‘twist’ is probably the most predictable of any film I’ve ever seen.
Similar to Promising Young Woman, writer Emerald Fennell is a much better actor than writer and her awards are a testament to that but I can’t for the life of me jump into the thought process of how this movie came to fruition and why it ever needs to exist beyond cheap talking points.
Rosamund Pike appears on screen and I instantly think the film will escalate in class and esteem having such a powerhouse on screen, nope, in fact her character is so pathetically underwritten that I was almost happy with how her character arc ended. 
What Saltburn does have going for it is its cinematography, it’s stunning.
Cool close-ups, beautiful shots (one incredible aerial shot by a pond looked like it had been plucked straight out of a fashion catalogue) with beautiful reflections and symmetry but a film is more than pretty pictures and the compliments for Saltburn end there.
If you dig deep below the surface there’s an arrogant message of middle-class people who will try to destroy the upper class and everything they love in some classist undertones but other than that, I won’t bother wasting more of my ‘middle class’ time on this trash.
I’m never going to imagine the Sophie Ellis Bexter classic ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ the same way ever, ever again. 

Our Rating

Summary
Saltburn is dumb, dark and forgettable.
The worst film I’ve seen in recent memory.