NOW IN THEATERS! If I were to sum up Borderlands, the very first game adaptation and latest film from Horror Master Eli Roth, it would be Immortan Joe’s famous dismissal of “Mediocre.” All throughout the film, you see flashes of potential brilliance, where if the studio hadn’t interfered, there would have been an amazing and trashy Hard ‘R’ film. But no, the powers that be insisted Borderlands had to be a PG-13 rating, and with that fateful decision, they neutered a most promising gonzo space adventure.
The setup of this film is familiar and well-worn. Lilith (Cate Blanchett) is a native of Pandora. She is also a foul, intemperate bounty hunter. While she’s bringing her latest bounty in for a payout, Atlas (Edgar Hernandez) and his goons approach her with a lucrative proposition: find his missing daughter Tina (Ariana Greenblatt) and light a beacon so they can pick her up. In exchange, Atlas will make Lilith wealthy beyond the dreams of avarice.
As you can well imagine, dear reader, the plan goes pear shaped. Lilith finds herself in a battle wagon with a rogue member of the Atlas Rangers, Roland (Kevin Hart), an obnoxious robot Claptrap (the voice of Jack Black), a Psychotic Masked Monster named Krieg (Florian Munteanu). They are looking to meet a scientist and Vault expert named Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis). And here, halfway through the runtime, the main story reveals itself. This group of psychotic goofballs has to locate a treasure chest from an extinct alien race called a Vault.
Kevin Hart as Roland, Jamie Lee Curtis as Tannis, Ariana Greenblatt as Tiny Tina, Florian Munteanu as Krieg, and Cate Blanchett as Lilith in Borderlands. Photo Credit: Courtesy of Lionsgate
“…approach her with a lucrative proposition: find his missing daughter Tina and light a beacon so they can pick her up.”
From there, Borderlands is thoroughly predictable and painfully so. While the first 45 minutes of the 90-minute runtime are tacitly humorous and somewhat fun stuff—the family behind me in the theater emitted 4 or 5 laughs through the first half of this train wreck—the rest is boring. I was pumped full of Coke Zero and had trouble staying awake. It was so disheartening.
Many are the reviewers of films who go in blind to a book, comic book, or video game adaptation. This neophytic device to entice viewers to experience the ‘reaction’ of a non-fan or a nascent one is grating to me. Gentle Reader, I have played all 3 Borderlands titles and own both of the Tiny Tina side games. There is little of the demented charm, the loopy one-liners, the stochastic terror of a little girl’s imagination on display here. For this game fan, there was only half a story of worthwhile content.
The production design is solid. The action scenes are chaotic and well-choreographed. The zingers, though, are not nearly as fast or furious as they should be. There’s precious little character development, and as others will undoubtedly note, you don’t actually want to root for any of these characters. They are all portrayed as terrible dumpster fires of humanity. I was aghast that Gearworks and 2K Entertainment signed off on this middling fare.
The real question, though, is, will Borderlands age well? Will this film become better with viewings? I’m honestly not sure I want to find out. However, I do feel it’s my duty to reconsider this film some years from now and see how it hits then.
I can only recommend this film for die-hard Eli Roth fangirls or people who want to see what a bad film looks like. If that’s you, Borderlands is for you.