House of Darkness Review: Simp Supper

Dec 13, 2022

If watching the most awkward date on the planet for 80 minutes is your cup of tea then you’re going to love this! We bring you our House of Darkness review.

After meeting at a local bar, a man accompanies a beautiful and mysterious woman back to her luxurious and secluded estate. However, he soon gets more than he bargained for when their playful flirtation turns into something sinister.
A film that leaves nothing to the imagination and is as simple as it gets, House of Darkness has some redeeming qualities but falls short when it subjects its viewers to the most awkward 80-minute date of all time.
Justin Long has this ability to make me uncomfortable in this movie from start to finish, this player, this ladies man who had given a girl a ride home who somehow manages to stutter his way through the film’s dreadful dialogue from start to finish.
How on earth he managed to pick up anyone in a bar in the first place is the plothole that consumes this entire movie. He’s a bumbling idiot, devoid of confidence, forever second-guessing himself and correcting himself when he words things out of place and for a full 80 minutes simps his way to suppertime.

It’s a genuinely painful character to watch as this seductive and mysterious woman (played by Kate Bosworth) toys with him like a piece of meat from start to finish. The woman is in control, she’s the alpha and this poor excuse for a player deserves absolutely everything he gets for putting me through his sloppy beta persona for such a long duration.
Bosworth’s character somehow still goes along with his messy contradictive behaviour so already something seems off. If this was a genuine date it would have ended a long time ago so already my suspicions are raised, asking myself, why is she still on a date with this absolute loser? Something doesn’t add up.
In all of our reviews, we try to avoid spoilers as much as possible but with House of Darkness there are no secrets, no surprises, and there are no lies.
Everything is on a plate and it feels like a film that would be played at the start of a festival to whet people’s appetites of the schedule to come. It really is the most basic plot you can imagine but with a nice gothic setting, one endures this bumbling buffoon if only to dive into this mysterious woman’s allure.

This dialogue-driven horror was quoted on a website as being a ‘black comedy’ and I think that’s stretching a little too far for my liking. This film is more of a character profile with a horror twist and quite simply House of Darkness is a short film that has been bloated out to a feature film length and we have to suffer the final results.
There’s not much in the way of intrigue other than the woman’s motive and whilst watching there was many a time when I wish they’d just hurry up and get to the point.
You’ll cotton on early at the motives of this mysterious woman with many things that she says shining a big flashing red-light beacon towards Justin Long’s character but a little tipsy and thinking with a different head on this particular night, he doesn’t see the warning signs himself.
It’s ironic that the man who walked into this woman’s home to get screwed was already screwed the second he offered the woman a ride home. That thought alone had me looking forward to the film’s finale.

House of Darkness will lose a large portion of its audience’s interest with little in the way of action driving the plot. It’s a risky film to create but solid performances have to be commended even if albeit difficult and almost embarrassing to watch at times from Justin’s perspective…
Kate Bosworth is magnificent to watch and much like her character is captivating and quite frankly transcendent in her role.
If you have a high patience and tolerance for awkward dates you’ll be mildly satisfied with the finale but for many of us out there, this one is a snoozefest.
If you want to indulge in the simp supper then go right ahead, but don’t say I didn’t warn you in this House of Darkness review!
House of Darkness review by Sean Evans

Our Rating

Step inside the world’s most awkward date for 80 minutes of your life. This dark and gothic tale certainly has the makings of a fine short but for a feature, it certainly drags on and overstays its welcome. A movie I certainly wouldn’t invite into my home anytime soon that’s for sure.

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