Jurassic World Rebirth opens with a character saying, “Let’s get this over with,” while unwrapping a Snickers bar. That essentially sums up this revival of a revival that ultimately revives nothing. Jurassic World Rebirth is the cinematic equivalent of beating a dead horse… or an extinct dinosaur in this case. You never get the sense that anyone involved wanted to make this movie. They had to make it for the same reason Scarlett Johansson’s character signs up for a dangerous mission on a dinosaur-infested island: a paycheck with a whole lot of zeros.
That’s right, we get another Jurassic World movie set on a tropical island, once again failing to fulfill Falling Kingdom’s empty promise of dinosaurs wreaking havoc upon civilization. The most we get here is an ailing brontosaurus stalling traffic in New York. Is that seriously the extent of Gareth Edwards’ imagination? It’s mentioned several times that humans have grown disinterested in dinosaurs. The same can be about the state of the franchise. Weirdly enough, Jurassic World Rebirth seems bored by its own prehistoric beasts, despite having a potentially interesting setup.
The island in question is inhabited by mutated dinosaurs. Sounds cool, but if this once-innovative series has become known for one thing, it’s throwing potential out the window. The mutated dinos have mostly recycled designs with a few slight modifications. That is except for one, which is just a rip-off of the Rancor from Star Wars. While the T-rex has a decent enough set piece, the raptors are designated to a brief cameo… in the background… out of focus… as a character pees in the forefront. There’s little sense of awe left in these creatures, somehow making them boring. Not as boring as the human characters, despite the blameless cast’s best efforts.
Jurassic World Rebirth has two sets of human characters, making it feel like we’re watching multiple movies. One centers on Johansson, Mahershala Ali, and Jonathan Bailey on a series of fetch quests to extra dino DNA for an evil pharmaceutical rep (Rupert Friend). The other is about a shipwrecked family, attempting to survive the island. From the moment we meet these people, the audience can instantly tell who will live and die. Despite all the time we spend with the characters, we learn little about them outside of their archetypes. Johansson’s character is a strong woman. Ali’s character is a rogue with a heart of gold. Bailey’s character is a hunk, but he’s wearing glasses so he must be a nerd.
Rather than take time to flesh any of them out, Jurassic World Rebirth is more concerned with its shameless product placement. In addition to that Snickers endorsement, there’s a running gag about a kid feeding licorice to a baby dinosaur. Nearly thirty seconds are dedicated to Bailey chewing on an Altoid. His Altoids box resurfaces later in the film, offering one to Johannsson. You’ll also spot M&Ms and Doritos. One of the dinosaur attacks even takes place at a fully stocked convivence store… on an abandoned island! This is a $180 million production in a billion-dollar franchise, and this is what we get? An overproduced commercial? Sorry, I’m not myself when I’m hungry. I’m going to go eat a Snickers, preferably while watching the original Jurassic Park instead.