Here’s something new. Jeff Hamm’s feature, Porch Pirates, is a gritty crime drama suitable for the whole family and a Christmas movie to boot. Porch Pirates follows three detectives—Jack Tyler (Jay Dee Walters), Marcos Fernandez (Phil Mendoza), and Sally Jones (Kara Rainer)—as they investigate a swarm of doorstep package thievery starting on Black Friday. The theft is being perpetrated by a gang of pizza shop workers led by Sarah (Molly Peyton White) and Bobby (Noah Archibald), who use drones equipped with EMP tech to disable front door cameras and a series of tracking devices on delivery vans to locate each package delivery from a safe distance.
The heat ramps up when a valuable Beanie Baby is stolen from the mayor’s porch. Jack, Marcos, and Sally are given all the resources they need to solve the crime. When the investigation into a particular driver, whose deliveries have all been stolen, comes up empty, our heroes work late into the night to find a new angle on the crime.
Like all cop dramas, the case wreaks havoc on our heroes’ personal lives. Marco recently lost his wife, and the holidays are a painful time for him. Marco resorts to the bottle and avoids his extended family at all costs. Unfortunately, this includes his sister, Maria (Candace Kirkpatrick), who happens to be married to his partner, Jack. Maria is livid that Marco is skipping out on all the holiday traditions, while Jack chooses to stay out of it. Coincidentally, Sally being transferred from another precinct might be the right medicine for Marco’s ailment…of love. Does this follow police code of conduct at all?

“…three detectives…investigate a swarm of doorstep package thievery starting on Black Friday.”
First, Porch Pirates falls into a new category of film, which I’ll call a family-friendly crime thriller. The film walks a fine line between channels such as The Family Channel or Hallmark Channel and procedural shows like Law and Order.
The crimes depicted are fairly typical. We have an organized crime wave of package thievery using high-tech surveillance and sophisticated tracking devices. We also have a gang of thieves held together by a thin thread of trust and greed. Any crack in this den of thieves could end disastrously.
Yet, the film is 50/50 crime drama and family drama. We spend a great deal of time following the personal lives of our detectives.
The film’s only weakness is that the tone is a bit too light. Jack’s dad jokes alone are cringe-inducing, and Marco’s constant absence from the family due to his grief feels overplayed. Then again, it’s on par with Hallmark Channel drama.
A cohesive story, a solid script, and good production values give Porch Pirates a recommendation for what the film wants to be. It’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s a wonderful drama and Christmas film to gather the family around for the holidays.